"I'm your knight-mare in shining armor / bringing horror"
-Wednesday 13
Haven't written anything in a while, and I'm now sitting on the floor watching David Letterman simply because I can't be arsed to get up and change the channel. And, while I'm sitting here, starting to eye off that half empty vodka bottle, I can't help but think about change.
Change, that thing that can be so very versatile. It can spring out at you first thing in the morning, waking you rudely and demanding you put a dressing gown on so you can get in the car and drive to the hospital. It can give you a pleasant jolt in the pit of your stomach when the guy you like smiles shyly and asks you out. And it can sneak up on you, slowly, creeping into your life until you don't realize it's there.
All three of these forms are familiar to me, but the one I hate is the last one.
For example, my best friend. She's the girl who understands my sick humor without having to have it explained. She doesn't wince when I tell a dead baby joke, or suggest we stay out in another city, not even thinking of going home till the sun is well and truly risen. She's the one who will make me laugh even during a crisis, and who will get me the hell outta a place I don't want to be in.
But since the end of high school things have changed. We don't see each other as often as we used to. I got a boyfriend, so I have to share my time with both of them, I can't spend all my time laying in her lounge room watching Skins and eating chocolate. But I still thought that we were as close as ever.
Now I'm not sure.
Tomorrow, four of us were going to go to a water park together. We arranged it last weekend, and she said that she'd come, had nothing else to do since she quit her job. Come this morning however, I give her a ring, and she ignores my first call. Not out of character, so I don't worry about it. But then when she does answer she tells me she isn't going anymore. No definable reason, just that she's staying at another friends house tonight. But the thing that's getting under my skin is the fact that she didn't text me or call me to tell me. She texted Kate, the other girl who is going.
Yes, there's probably a reason, quite possibly a very valid excuse for why she didn't tell me first, but it still hurts. I still think of her as my best mate, but I'm no longer sure she thinks of me the same way.
This on top of the fact that we were going to move in together, and she's bailed on that plan at the last minute, and that she's changed a LOT in this past year...it's making me feel like that bitch Change has crept into my life yet again and taken away the person I always thought would be there.
I suppose I'm just getting nostalgic in my old age (19) but I miss the way things used to be. I love my life, I love my boy friend and my new friends, but I hate that I seem to have drifted away from the old. Anna was the first person I told that I had depression, the first I told that my dad is dying, the first who knew I was bi. I miss our talks and walking 11 kilometres in the middle of the night because we couldn't sleep. Swimming in jeans in the middle of winter and playing make believe in the woods.
I miss how we were always both as immature as each other, and how we always knew what the other was thinking. I miss being a matched set with her.
I hate growing up and growing apart and missing who she used to be.
But I hope that this year might be better than the last, and that we might become closer again. I'm hoping that I can keep all the people that I love close.
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